I stumbled upon this while researching the first few posts on this blog. This highly emotive topic will require you to stop and think about what we are saying. Like so many areas where we may have to consider that we are wrong, this can be difficult to read and consider. If you disagree, that is entirely appropriate; this is the results of my investigation alone and is meant more as a call for more work to be done in this area.

Introduction

As a parent, I cannot go a day without seeing a news story about a teenager doing something terrible or having something terrible done to them. The media, after all, doesn’t make money by saying, “Hey, do you know what? The world is amazing as we’re all super cool!” This is not about media as such, though; this is about parenting. As parents, we are being told we must protect our children. Which parent would not want to do what they could to protect their children? A “bad” parent, right? So, we, good parents, do what we can to protect our children. I restricted social media, banned online gaming, restricted device time, and banned the charging of devices in rooms, to name a few. What do you do?

In the UK, we have seen an increase in violence in early relationships, often under 16 years. Is it possible that something is going on closer to home that is contributing to this?

This is not about what you do but how you do it.

Our home

• Social media restrictions
  I used parental controls to block non-whitelisted websites from all my children’s devices, whether at home or not.
• Banned Online Gaming
  I blocked the games console from the internet by using passwords to prevent their accounts from accessing the internet. For their devices, see above.
• Restricted Device Time
  I used parental controls to set time limits from start to finish and overall time spent on apps and their devices. i.e. They could play a game for 1 hour per day but only between 09:00 and 19:00.
• No charging devices in rooms
  I set up a dedicated charging station in the hall for them while charging my devices in my office so they could see.

These four mechanisms were built around parental controls on devices; really, there is no way of avoiding the fact that you will need to have some parental controls in place to protect your children adequately. In my case, I used Microsoft Family Safety as the main Parental Control suite; additionally, for added peace of mind, I also took control of our home network (more on that in the rest of the blog).

Other Parental Controls

I was pleased with the options that Microsoft Family Safety provided, although it is now one of the more expensive options, given that it is bundled as part of the Office 365 subscription. In 2025, the price for a family subscription increased to over £100 per year as of Jan-2025.

While researching our parental controls app, one feature kept being highlighted as an “amazing feature.” The more I considered this, when viewed in the context of our solutions and what we went through as a family, the more I could understand the appeal. However, what lesson does it teach?

Of course, I am referring to the “Read your children’s messages” feature. I will not lie; that could have been useful during difficult times with my children. I love my children, and I want to protect them. So, I’m sure many parents reading this will echo that. I love my children, so I will protect them.

Consider this

When implementing things as a parent, we, by definition, do things that would be unacceptable to be done to an adult. Do you tell your partner to go to bed and, oh yes, to be sure to brush their teeth first? We agree that crosses a line, but the parenting “contract” expects that.

Drawing the line is a challenge, and that is the purpose of this article. For my family, the purpose of the controls was to encourage and prevent points of conflict, no one wants to be that parent who says, “10 more minutes then, I’m taking it away” only to find in 10 minutes they’re still playing and don’t want to give up the device leading to a confrontation, often with you snatching the device away from them. A point of conflict has been created. If parental controls are used to set up a defined scope of use. The device sends alerts: “You have 15 minutes left” or “You have 5 minutes left” the result is that it is clear to the child that they may need to save their game or similar. No interaction is required with the parent, so no new conflict point is created. The controls manage the usage within a defined criterion, discussing these with the child is recommended so there is clarity of what is expected.

Now consider what reading messages does. If you insist your child show you their messages, will that be conflict-free? The platform you use may allow you to read messages without your child being involved, but will you act on what you read, making it clear that you are reading their messages, thus injecting the conflict again?

Finally, consider what message about relationships we teach our children when we raise them? Their first relationships will, after all, be shaped by the relationships they have at home. The language of abuse is “I do it because I love you”. This is worryingly close to our original assertion, “I love my children so I will protect them”.

This is not about blaming or saying parents are doing anything wrong; this is about stating that we must be aware of how our children will process our behaviours. As parents, we must work to support the development of our children, always being aware that there is always a flip side to your behaviours, and these should be considered.

Conclusions

The importance of being mindful of how parental controls are implemented and their potential impact on dynamics beyond the family cannot be underplayed. We have highlighted the need for parents to be aware of the possible conflicts that may arise from these controls and to consider the ethical implications of features like reading children’s messages. While a single article cannot be regarded as definitive, the invitation for further work and research is set out. At the same time, ethical considerations may make scientific study difficult, if not impossible. We must all work to balance protecting children and respecting their autonomy.

It must be remembered that while parental controls are necessary to protect children, how they are implemented can significantly affect relationships. Controls that set clear, transparent boundaries and expectations can help avoid conflicts, whereas invasive, inconsistent, or hidden measures can create trust issues. Parents should focus on supporting their children’s development and be conscious of the potential negative impacts of their actions.